Every soul seeks love from someone and there are no exceptions to this rule. Some seek love stronger than others and it is this soul who grieves the most for none is found. The temptations of life are burdened with possibilities and lies that confront the single.
Today I came to a realization: Love is truly lost to me and what a sad thought but a fact none the less.
Have you ever had a love that hurt you so much that you find yourself unable to commit to another because everything seems to reflect back to that pain? Today was such an awakening for me. I told two possible suitors that I wasn't interested in them because (to me) I felt they were after but one thing and I am after something far more serious. In speaking to one of them, I found my own rude awakening: it isn't them, it is me.
Though they may be after just one thing, it is in my heart that they can be after nothing more than that...my sorrow is overwhelming at the moment.
The love I refer to was a man I found myself so intensely infatuated with that I lost myself in the endeavor. I gave him all of me though I knew he did not return the emotional ties I was surrendering to him. What I permitted him was to shame me in the end so dramatically that I fear I may never recover from it. The fear that another would be ashamed to take my hand and boast of the union we share is just unbearable and it is this that I guard against far more than I should (perhaps).
The realization of this causes pause in my own pursuit of happiness. For how can I start something that I fear may end no better? How can I ask another to commit when my own fears cripple me to do as I truly want in my heart but simply can't and I know it. There is no human that wishes to begin a relationship strong and yet this is, more or less, what I'm asking to happen.
However, is it too much to ask of a man to take my hand on that first date? Possibly
In these days of open sex and availability; why would a man wish to cramp his style and take the hand of a lady to boast of the possibility of a future? Do I ask too much to give some minor since of affection or am I justified in my fear? In that; if he is afraid to take my hand on the first; would there come a day that there would be no last? Do I bother waisting my time with any then? I must come to terms with this in my heart and accept that time is no longer needed as I fear there are none left who seek more than a night of pleasure or a month for that matter.
Do not misunderstand these rantings! I am a self-minded and strong woman that does not NEED a man in her life but wishes to claim that lost art called love. Lust has taken its place deceiving all who come to relent to it; speaking lies to the heart that wishes love, perpetuating the lie that it is indeed love when it is not. I am a woman who loves who she is and wishes to share that with someone deserving. However, this loveless generation seems to permeate the desires of the flesh thus replacing the desires of the heart: So be it.
My realization is not that I have forever lost love but rather - Love will forever be lost from me. Does it sadden me? Yes, I would be lying if I said it has no affect on me in such a manner. Just the same; I have been alone for some time gone by now and if it is to be this way for my continued days: So be that as well. I did have the need and obligation to write my thoughts on this if simply for another heart who has come to this same realization: Your thoughts are justified.